A list of good quotes with the word ‘drive(ways)’ in them

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Okay, maybe not driveways. Let’s face it, the only quote you’re going to get with the word driveways in it will be from an actual driveway and paving contractor!

But they will be good I promise. Far too many lists of quotes on the internet aim to be the best by listing as many as they can find, regardless of the quality of the quotations themselves.

Funny Quotes

Okay, so let’s kick it off with the funny ones first:

America has drive-in movies, shops, restaurants, and even drive-in banks. What it needs now are more drive-in parking spaces. – Fred Allen

Do engine drivers, I wonder, eternally wish they were small boys? – Brian O’Nolan

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. – Albert Einstein

A critic is a man who knows the way but can’t drive the car. – Kenneth Tynan

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. – Mitch Hedberg

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’ – Henny Youngman

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. – Rodney Dangerfield

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. – Phyllis Diller

Observational Quotes

It’s always interesting to read someone’s perspective on a subject:

Trying to predict the future is like trying to drive down a country road at night with no lights while looking out the back window. – Peter Drucker

Space isn’t remote at all. It’s only an hour’s drive away if your car could go straight upwards. – Sir Fred Hoyle

There nearly always is method in madness. It’s what drives men mad, being methodical. – G. K. Chesterton

Society drives people crazy with lust and calls it advertising. – John Lahr

Serious Quotes

And if you’re looking for inspiration to be a better person:

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

We need to steer clear of this poverty of ambition, where people want to drive fancy cars and wear nice clothes and live in nice apartments but don’t want to work hard to accomplish these things. Everyone should try to realize their full potential. – Barack Obama

Reflective Quotes

Nearing the end. How about a few reflections on life from a few famous people:

I praticed making faces in the mirror and it would drive my mother crazy. She used to scare me by saying that I was going to see the devil if I kept looking in the mirror. That fascinated me even more, of course. – Jim Carrey

When I sell liquor, it’s called bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it’s called hospitality. – Al Capone

When you first get money, you buy all these things so no one thinks you’re mean, and you spread it around. You get a chauffeur and you find yourself thrown around the back of this car and you think, I was happier when I had my own little car! I could drive myself! – Paul McCartney

In Conclusion

Well, as predicted, we weren’t successful in finding any quotes with the word driveways in them so let’s alter an existing quote instead. How about:

Cleaning your house while children are still growing is like clearing driveways before the snow has stopped. – DEFINITELY NOT Phyllis Diller

And to finish, the original of the above:

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing. – Phyllis Diller

Until next time folks…

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Google Instant Test #2 – Sectional Garage Doors Preston

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There’s been a few posts on this subject so we’ll jump right in without the usual waffle. If you need to catch up, take a look at some of my other rants against Google Instant.

And off we go…

Let’s see if we can beat Google’s previous record of 12 unnecessary screen refreshes. This time, we’re going to look for ‘Sectional Garage Doors’ in the Preston area:

  • S – gets us Sky. Excellent? Maybe we can watch a bit of satellite TV whilst we’re having our garage doors fitted?
  • Se – and now we’re onto Selfridges. Ooh lovely!! A nice new outfit to wear whilst we watch TV waiting for our garage doors.
  • Sec – another refresh and we arrive at Second Life. Never heard of it! Oh, apparently it’s a free 3D virtual world where users can socialize, connect and create using free voice and text chat. Interesting, but I really need somewhere dry to keep my car overnight…
  • Sect – brings up Sector 1, a job website featuring public sector jobs. Erm.. Not sure there’ll be many of them in the current climate!
  • Secti – gives us a blog article on Section 21. Something for landlords to do with the Hosing Act 1988.
  • Sectiona – and it looks like we’re getting somewhere. A national manufacturer of sheds and garages with some regional sales agents. Not bad, but I’d rather look at a list of local suppliers.
  • Sectional Garage D – an on-line supplier of garage doors with a huge range of styles and colours, but do I really want to be fitting it myself?
  • Sectional Garage Doors – and as if Google was listening, the next thing we get is a DIY Guide To Fitting Garage Doors, but I’d still rather get a professional in!
  • Sectional Garage Doors P – next we get prices for sectional garage doors. Well, at least I have an idea of what to expect…
  • Sectional Garage Doors Pre – uh oh, we’ve gone off the deep end. Despite being set to ‘Page from the UK’, Google is throwing us garage door installers in Pretoria in South Africa?
  • Sectional Garage Doors Pres –  ah, much better! We’re back in the UK, but now its Prestwood, which according to Yell is in Great Missenden, near London. Hmm… I think they may be a little too far away…
  • Sectional Garage Doors Presto – and we’re finally there!

Only 11 pointless screen refreshes and we finally have what we were looking for, namely a local business that offers sectional and electric garage doors in the Preston area.

Sadly not a record this time though!

In Conclusion

Okay, now fair enough, some critics might suggest I deliberately went for a long search term. Well, yes I did, but anyone who’s ever looked at search terms in Google Analytics will know that such long phrases really aren’t that uncommon.

So, after demonstrating the futility of Google Instant once again, let’s end with the obvious question. Why Google? Why?

Top 22 songs with the word window(s) in the title

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Tricky one this. Surprisingly for such a common word, there really aren’t that many songs out there with the word windows in the title.

True enough, if you do a search on any lyrics site, you’ll get quite a few, but they’re from some pretty obscure groups and artists.

Windows Songs

In alphabetical order then:

  • Can You Please Crawl Out Your Window – Bob Dylan
  • Cars Hiss By My Window – The Doors
  • From A Window – The Beatles
  • Girl In The Window – Bruno Mars
  • How Much is That Doggie in the Window – Patti Page
  • I Threw A Brick Through A Window – U2
  • Keep Passing The Open Windows – Queen
  • Lookin’ Through The Windows – The Jackson 5
  • Flowers In The Window – Travis
  • Mr Wu’s A Window Cleaner Now – George Formby
  • Open Your Window – Reverend and the Makers
  • Our Window – Noah and The Whale
  • She Came In Through the Bathroom Window – The Beatles
  • Steamy Windows – Tina Turner
  • The Window Song – The Kooks
  • When I’m Cleanin’ Windows – George Formby
  • Window In The Skies – U2
  • Window Licker – Aphex Twin
  • Window Shopper – 50 Cent
  • Window Song – Finger Eleven
  • Window To The Soul – The Kooks
  • Windows To The Soul – Steve Vai

The Best Windows Song?

Hmm.. Trying to pick the best from a bad bunch isn’t easy. I’m tempted by George Formby in honour of my childhood memories.

However, I think I’ll plump for some classic early U2, from the days before Bono disappeared up his own rear end:

Not Those Windows

Now then, most people will have guessed that the windows in question are the double glazing kind, rather than the well-known operating software provided by Bill Gates and chums.

You might be surprised though to know that a search on YouTube for windows songs reveals dozens of the following:

Keep watching. It gets better about halfway through!

A Bit Of Analysis

Well, like I said, there’s not many of them out there and most of those listed above were not actaully released as singles.

What is more unusual though is that groups and artists who have released one song with windows in the title, then often seem to go on to release another…

How’s that for brief?

Funny Garage Door Videos

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And the challenges just keep on coming… Last month accountancy and now this month I’ve got a customer who installs garage doors.

Ooh, now there’s an interesting subject to discuss. NOT!!

You’d think I’d be in real trouble wouldn’t you? Thankfully though, YouTube to the rescue…

The Budget Garage Door Solution

I’m not going to ruin this video with any intro, but just to say that some members of the fairer sex may not approve of this particular garage door solution. Hilarious though!

The Classic Just For Laughs Clip

You can always rely on Just For Laughs for funny clips involving the public. This one’s not bad, but it doesn’t feature as many funny reactions as they normally do. Although I do like the guy who tries to run up and stop the garage door with his hands.

The Specsavers Kid Garage Door Advert

One of a number of great adverts done by Specsavers featuring their advertising slogan, “Should’ve gone to Specsavers”. The basic premise of each advert is a funny situation where the protagonist mistakes one thing for another because they can’t see properly, hence they “Should’ve gone to Specsavers”!

In Conclusion?

Challenge accepted. Give me an awful subject matter and I’ll cover it.

Bring it on!!

Accountancy vs Lion Taming

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So, here’s a challenge, how to write a blog that makes reference to accounting services?

Hmmm… Tricky… Y’see, accountancy is a very boring subject.

Listen to an accountant talk about tax loopholes for even a few seconds and you will quickly feel your life force draining away as your brain fights with your eternal soul for the right to shut down.

Monty Python to the rescue…

Due to their extremely dull nature, accountants have over the years been the butt of many a comedy sketch, the masters of which were and always will be Monty Python.

And the best Python sketch featuring an accountant has to be Vocational Guidance Counsellor:

Did you enjoy it?

No?!? What’s wrong with you? Are you an accountant? Right, off you go, you’re not even a proper woman!

A necessary evil

All joking aside though, accountants are very definitely a necessary evil. From supposedly simple book-keeping and self assessment tax returns to VAT returns, statutory accounts, corporation tax and payroll services, the world of taxation is a minefield.

Combine that with risk of severe penalties for mistakes (even innocent ones), it’s little wonder that self employed individuals like myself would much rather get on with the day job and earn the money in the first place!

That way, the accountants in question will no doubt save them enough time and money to allow them to spend the evening watching their favourite Monty Python clips.

Many thanks to my accountant!! We love you really…

There’s more if you’re interested

For more thoughts on the pitfalls of running a business, take a look at: This time next year Rodders, I DON’T want to be a millionaire…

Google Instant Test #1 – Emergency Scaffolding North West

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Well truthfully, it’s the third test, but you’ll only know that if you’ve also read my I Hate Google Instant!!! and recent Google Instant vs Internet Explorer posts.

Y’see I’ve become rather obsessed with the pointless refreshes that Google makes to display unwanted search results before I’ve finished telling it what I’m actually looking for.

Obsessed?

Okay, so I am eating normally and going outdoors every now and then to soak up some vitimin D, but it does really annoy me. Read my previous posts if you want the full details.

Anyway, I’m determined to find out what the maximum number of these pointless screen refreshes might be when looking for a legitimate search term. The last posts revealed 11 and 8 respectively, but I’m sure we can beat that!

Here we go…

We’re going to search for ‘Emergency Scaffolding’ in the North West of England. How long before Google gets there I wonder:

  • E – gets me E! Online, an American entertainment news site featuring celebrity gossip and pictures. Hmm… Great, but will it hold my house up?
  • Em – pulls up Empire Magazine, a film review publication from the UK. Yeah, I need scaffolding as my exterior wall is looking like it might collapse after a fire. Not sure I want to read a review of a remake of Towering Inferno thanks…
  • Eme – now I get Emeli Sandé, a singer apparently. Oh good, now I’ll have something to listen to while I wait for the scaffolders to arrive!
  • Emer – brings up Emerald Publishing Group. Er, sorry no!
  • Emerg – results in a Wikipedia definition for the word Emergency, just in case I wasn’t sure…
  • Emergency – gives me a list of emergency tax codes from HM Revenue & Customs. Nope!!!
  • Emergency S – and now I get the Wikipedia page for the emergency services. They’ve already been thanks…
  • Emergency Sc – gets me Emergency Scotland 2011. WTF?!?
  • Emergency Sca – over to a forum page about getting an Emergency Pregnancy Scan. Nooo!!
  • Emergency Scaf – appears to get me what I want as the top result is a scaffolding company in Manchester that operates in the North West, but wait a minute… Under that are several London companies and national companies. Where are my other local solutions?
  • Emergency Scaffolding Nort – well, we’re in the right zone. We’ve got scaffolders, but now they’re in Northampton. Keep trying…
  • Emergency Scaffolding North – excellent, back to scaffolders from (North) London. Oh, and one from North Wales…
  • Emergency Scaffolding North Wes – and we’re finally there!

Just one letter off what I’d have to have typed if I’d done it in full and after suffering 12 unecessary screen refreshes. I’ve eventually got what I wanted though i.e. Emergency Scaffolding North West

Did you say 12? Yes, indeed I did. A new record methinks!

In Conclusion

Why not have a go yourself and see if you can beat it? No prizes I’m afraid, just the kudos of knowing you’ve outsmarted (ahem) a search engine?

P.S. Sorry Google, but it’s too late! Whilst faffing with screen refreshes my wall has collapsed. Off to a bed and breakfast for me tonight…

Google Instant vs Internet Explorer

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Well it’s now nearly nine months since my I Hate Google Instant!!! post and things are no better. In fact, if anything, it seems to be getting worse.

I’ve now given up trying to use Internet Explorer (IE) to do Google queries as I’m sick of having my browser freeze up completely as Google tries to constantly update my screen with interim premature results that have no relevancy to what I’m looking for.

No IE bashing follows…

Now, I know the populist view might be to blame Internet Explorer as an inefficient browser, but I’m sorry to disappoint you all by telling you that it works fine with everything else.

You’d almost think it was a conspiracy though. Are Microsoft trying to force me onto Bing or is Google trying to get me to use Chrome? Well, I’m happy to disappoint both of them. I’m now on Firefox using Google, which still slows to a crawl unnecessarily, but at least doesn’t hang completely.

Sadly, like many other people I can’t ditch Google as despite its recent pointless and irritating improvements, it is still the best search engine for results. Sorry Bing, but you need a lot more than a new name if you want us all to switch.

But what is it for?

Exactly! As per the last post on this subject, we return to the question that has been on everyone’s lips for quite some time, “what exactly is Google Instant for?”

If I wanted the results for half the word or phrase I’m looking for, then surely I’d only be typing half the word or phrase in the first place?

For Example

Let’s take the role of a potential customer for the company of Swap yer for a driveway? fame. So I’m looking for someone who does concrete driveways in the Blackpool area. Here goes:

  • C – pulls up Currys. Er, no I don’t need any electrical equipment thanks..
  • Co – brings up Comet. Hmmm… Didn’t I just say I don’t want any household electrical items?
  • Con – gives me Congestion Charging. Well, it might be useful if I ever go driving in London, but right now I’m in Lancashire..
  • Conc – results in Concorde. A Wikipedia definition? I know that the cost of a new driveway might be equivalent to what it used to cost to fly on Concorde, but I hardly see how it is relevant. Keep trying Google…
  • Concr – after a brief screen freeze, I get the Wikipedia definition for Concrete. Well, we’re getting somewhere I suppose. Did you know that the word originates from the Latin word “concretus” (meaning compact or condensed)?
  • Concrete D – gets me one of those awful internet directory sites promising to get me the best pattern imprinted concrete installer in my area, whilst bombarding me with Google AdSense adverts…
  • Concrete Driveways – I now get Paving Expert, a very interesting site with a forum, faqs and more about paving and pattern imprinted concrete created by former installers who now do consultancy work for large urban projects. Not much use for my humble dwelling!
  • Concrete Driveways B – and next is  a local patterned concrete supplier for the Bristol area
  • Concrete Driveways Bl – and finally Blackpool! Wahoo! We’re there.

Okay, so that’s eight wholly unnecessary screen refreshes before I get to what I was after, namely Concrete Driveways Blackpool.

And was it faster? Nope!! In fact, the slow down and occasional freeze means that it takes longer. So what’s the point?

No better than spam…

And here’s a thought. Spam (unsolicited email, not the meat of Monty Python fame) gets a bad name for a number of reasons, one of them being that worldwide it accounts for significant unwanted network traffic, making servers work much harder for no reward.

Well, could Google not be said to be doing the same? We’re not talking about advertising here, but worldwide, Google Instant must be using exponentially more bandwidth than is necessary and for little result.

Even customers I’ve spoken to whose browsers do not freeze have said that they largely ignore what’s happening on the screen until they’ve finished typing!

No solution in sight…

And after all this time, and the internet awash with blogs posts like this one, Google still hasn’t taken the hint and provided a foolproof way to disable it.

It can be disabled using Google’s settings screen, but that means it gets stored in a cookie which is lost as soon as internet savvy individuals like myself clear down their temporary internet files. i.e. every time my browser closes.

C’mon Google, please, please, please either get rid of this useless irritating gimic or give us a querystring value that we can pass to turn the damned thing off.

And relax…

Right, rant over. Time to get back to work.

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